pieces of my mind
Saturday, September 3, 2011
One big fat loser
I don't understand humans
I don't understand boys
Sometimes i'm not even sure if im qualified enough to be a girl
I can really relate to 2ne1's new track , Ugly .
I get peer pressure a lot because of my figure
Okayh , i know that nobody's perfect and im not refering to the gorgeous S-line or anythin
Im just refering to a simple n normally thin figure
I dont have one.
I tried to dress like normal teens usually do
Tried to wear shawls n all that
Who am i kidding ?
Whatever i do , i will still look like a total loser
A total fatty
A total nerd
A total wannabe
When i was younger , i used to hurt myself
Depression was really tense on me back then
Since i was teased at school and was called a weirdo
Nowadays , i handle it with crying
Turning myself into a full fledged cry baby
I admit that im highly emotional
And very vulnerable
Soo anytime i heard things like ;
"dalilah , berat kaw normal x?" and "dalilah , asal kaw gemuk sangat ?"
(i dont have to write whose quote it is. They should remember it)
I gave them a painful smile and replied "haah , aku gemuk . Sbb stress kot ? Hahahh..."
I get depressed when my friends posted their pictures online
They look so happy and i dunno how to describe it , cool ?
Im aware of what people think of me
The nerd and weird kid with her animes and boarding school life
Sometimes , im really taken aback when a person from my friend's school didn't approve my friend request
Then i thought , okay... Im not cool enough to hang out with those kind of people
Before i know it , i shunned myself from the world
And had become a loner
Im scared of making friends
Because im afraid of rejection
Im scared of them laughing at the real me
When it comes to boys , (oh god , the topic that im most scared of)
.....i don't know where to start
Whenever i liked a guy , he will never like me back
Nuff said
Guys don't take me seriously
They don't look at me as a girl
They won't even look at me
I will never be on their list
My guy classmates only think of me as a little kid
I do want to be loved
But all of nasty thoughts of myself came buzzing in my mind
So , when a guy suddenly says that he likes me
I know it was just a joke
Or it would take a very very Very very very very VERY long time for me to believe it
But that's not going to happen
In the end , i would most likely turn them down due to lack of confidence
That is..unless there arw some circumstances .
But it never happened !
A guy texting me would only make me look at the mirror and throw my cellphone at it
It's a depression that i can't overcome
A feeling of disgust towards myself
A feeling of im not worth it
Feelings of a big fat loser.