pieces of my mind
Friday, June 1, 2012
Empty
Heyyaa Sorry for the long hiatus Imma a busy school boarder (huhhh , unfortunately) Though , don't get me wrong . I love my school . It's just that things are not working out for me .
My academic results are not looking good lately . I don't know what is up with me . I'm not focusing in classes , not doing my homework , flunking my exams (i've never had a C for my English before )
To add up more to the downfall , my curricular activities is just the same . I didn't get to enter any debate tournaments this year (yeah , i know that i suck . I love debate . Maybe Allah is telling me that perhaps i may love debating but i don't like being a debater). The whole debate thingy goes with a LONG story . And i don't want to talk about it . Tak berkat markah BI aku nanti .
So coming up , public speaking . Ya Allah , please . This is my last chance . My last year . I've been to the nationals for 3 years now , but still no luck of winning . Okay , i know that im being ungrateful . But i know that i would not be able to leave school at the end of the year if i haven't AT LEAST TRIED . I really really hope that the teachers will give the form fives a chance in public speaking . My last ever chance . My last Minggu Bahasa ever in my life .
Why is it that everything i join ended up in a major catastrophe ?(yep,this is me being ungrateful again) Maybe im a bad sheep to the society . Hahahah . This is why i hate myself more than anything in the world .
So school is not exactly the best place to be nowadays . And neither is home .
Urghh . How can i even start with being at home ? No one's around (like usual) , so '24/7 online treatment' for someone like me . And turning green everytime someone posts about how wonderful their holidays are . I don't know what is up with me . Even when it's only my mom at home , i wouldn't accompany here . I'll just be in my room minding my own business . Even if my sister's around , i would ignore her and read 9gag . I've been longing for company all this time , but i keep ignoring family because im afraid of getting hurt . Maybe i got tired now . Because back when i was younger , i'm the one who bugs them and they're the ones that ignored me . I guess that i've given up now . But i still have not given up the feeling of wanting to fill this emptiness inside of me .
What am i kidding ? My love life sucks . The guy i like is ignoring me more than ever . My ex is happily ever after with his new girlfriend (well , screw them). My friends can only sigh and say "aku tak tau nak cakap apa,dal" . In the end , there's no one who can really take the pain away , isn't there ?
What am i doing here ? It's useless . I've been crying to Allah since ever but i myself am not making any changes to my own life . I don't know how . And i don't know where to start .
Funny how i keep motivating others about their problems when i can't deal with my own . I remembered once when one of my usrah members in Kongres Pendakwah Muda asked me "Kalau ayah kita kawin lain and dia dapat anak tapi kita tak nak mengaku dia adik kita camne?" . I just smiled and said "sorry , saya sendiri pon tak tahu nak jawab cmne sbb saya sendiri pun buat camtu" .
Ohh yeah . I forgot to mention that THAT MAN is currently on a vacation in UK with his BELOVED family with the BLOODY BELOVED step-sister with the same name on the birth certificate . Have a nice holiday . Don't mind me , the abandoned alone daughter . I'm just enjoying the holidays on my own , no thanks to you .
I hate being so bitter . I hate being such an emo . I hate being me . I wish that one day i could wake up into this highly motivated and strong girl who is incredibly skinny(not anorexic though) and had a wonderful family who always stays by her side and they will spend time with each other so happily and she have many friends who like her for herself and when she grows up she will get married to a guy who is faithful to Allah and lever leaves her and their kids and will always love her thus their love leads them to Jannah .
Dreams only happens in movies . Dreams come true for the main character . Not for a supporting role like me .